Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6
If you're a church kid like me, you'd be extremely familiar with this verse. I remember attending Sunday school and reciting this verse every now and then, as if memorizing it suddenly gets you brownie points in heaven. Little did I know how important this would be as I grew up, got a job, faced my mom's passing and experienced a plethora of challenges I felt I didn't deserve.
I found myself asking, "Where was God in all this? Why let me go through all this pain?"
When my mom passed (it was her death anniversary last July 24th), my world just crumbled. Everything I was hustling for suddenly had no purpose. Sure I was still committed to seeing my brother through his studies and supporting my dad, but I had already set goals in my head for when mom recovered... but she never did.
It left a gaping hole in my heart and in my grief, instead of running to God, I ran away from Him. I decided to trust my own decisions and go with what I felt was something I was doing for me. After the ordeal I went through during my mom's wake (and even after her burial), I decided I'd had enough and would take my future in my hands.
I stopped attending church, praying, doing my devotions, everything that related to God.
It started with the little things. Getting lazy to wake up early on Sundays, choosing to watch other things than read my Bible, cursing because my friends (and ex) would curse and I wanted to feel like I belonged, and making small decisions in the background that had a bigger impact on my faith (and life) than I realized.
One decision led to another, which led me further away from God. Lord knows how many times I tried restarting my walk with Him in the years that followed but I would always go back to what had become normal for me - living outside His grace.
Any time I would come across a problem, my first response would be, "Okay so papano ko to aayusin? Anong pwede kong gawin?" and never asked God for guidance or help. During those days I felt like I could do anything on my own and that because I had money to move around, I could solve problems by myself.
Wrong thinking, Veeyah.
As the years went by, I found myself more and more troubled by the feeling of emptiness. Something was missing and though I filled it with people, games, movies, and the internet in general, there was still that hole.
The turning point was during my recent breakup. I was in so much pain that I could feel my heart breaking. It felt like a part of me died and it was going through the same grief over and over and over and I just wanted to be numb.
I had tried doing things my way and it ended up causing me so much pain. It was as if God was telling me "ENOUGH. You've been ruining my plans and need to be put back on the right path". I felt foolish for even attempting to live my life on my terms and trying to keep HIM out of it. I was convicted by the Holy Spirit continuously over the last few years but I just kept turning my back on Him.
Eventually, running away turned into fear and embarrassment. Would the Lord still look kindly towards someone who blatantly chose to live against Him? Who rebelled silently while putting up a front for people who'd judge her?
Yes.
It took my heart breaking into pieces to finally humble myself in front of God and admit that I had been a bad Christian. I had to admit that I couldn't do things on my own regardless of how much money or influence or resources I had. None of it mattered because I wasn't living life how God wanted me to.
Today, my life is still not perfect. I'm still struggling to do devotions daily and to attend Sunday services. I still succumb to old habits every now and then and I still tend to curse whenever work stress gets to me (which I am not proud of).
But the fire in my heart put by the Holy Spirit has gotten stronger. I do believe that one day, I'll be able to serve God again with the gifts He has given me. I miss leading the worship service through songs. I miss teaching Sunday school to kids and volunteering in church activities. I miss being around people who genuinely love God, don't curse, and choose to serve Him in all ways.
My plan now is to just submit to Him. I'm tired of choosing for myself and just want to give everything to God. All I can do now is pray for guidance and wisdom to navigate this life.
How does this verse speak to you?
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